~* 孤單 . 隔離 . 失去 . 淡 . *~

She din mean 2. She doesn't mean 2 b like dat. Yet, she reali can't help it.

She's paranoid. She is. She's sensitive. Extremely. Cos simply put it: She's juz a insecure gaL. She's scared.
Haiz well any any ways..(*.*).. she's tired n sick of it all. All the superficiality. Yet she tends 2question herself again..Is she juz being 2sensitive n paranoid? But if there's no signs in 1st place, she won't even ve such feelins. Oh well well haiz. She juz wan 2start on a new lease of life. She juz wan a job be it temp or perm. So she's able 2juz escape from all tis irritating clutches of all. She juz wan a wall of support. A diff kind of wall of support. A diff species. Diff from all tos she has known. Or shd u say she's juz not committed @ all? She juz wans 2change walls from time 2 time. She juz wans varieties. Oh well well wateva..

She saw a bride n groom 2day.. As usual she admires them..She admires E sight of it all..How she wishes dat she's E bride..Yet..She's still wondering whether she's a straight 1..or rather whether she can find her desirable weird 1..mayb she wil neva find such a self desirable exotic 1..sumtimes she wonders if there's sum1 as similar as her out there..No wonder she likes 2watch "Turn Left, Turn Rite". No wonder she likes 2 dream n imagine..

She fils numb. Her parents aren't attendin her convocation. She understands. It's gona b a real bored late1 for her parents. So it's beta in a way 4them not 2attend @ all. Such a pathetic 1. Yet she's kind of used 2such tinks. She's grown used 2it perhaps til she's numb oready. Til E stage of feelin immune 2everytink.

*1 DaY if she has E means. She's not gona stay on here. She's gona migrate 2far far away. Sumwhere where she's able 2reali start afresh n anew. Where no1 noes her. Her WisH. *

~* 兩人淡淡的邂逅... *~

SundaY 19th JunE 2005..

Went Bugis Si Ma Lu pray again..lotsa ppl..
Then walked ard again..ve been walkin ard 4far 2long..i mean im jobless notink much2do so most of times i juz walk ard spore which is rather..a waste of time..i like walkin..but tis kind of walkin cant carry on 4eva haha..anyways there was tis China lady who asked me 4directions 2 MRT station..i offered 2pei her go since i was goin home as well n would b passin by MRT anyway..Guess i appeared2b 2helpful le cos along way i oso kip askin her lotsa questions n chattin wif her..She gradually started 2slow dwn her walking strides n followed behind me instead of previous side-by-side walking..i could sense dat she suddenly juz started 2stand guard against me..like i would abduct her like dat loh..hmm..tot shd b E other way round loh..it shd b me who shd b scared of her cheatin me loh..anyways i din send her all E way 2MRT..i juz pointed out way2go..then we parted..*Zheng Shi Hao Xin Mei Hao Bao*like dat ah..(*-*)..

MonDaY 20th JunE 2005

Went Orchard Lib n Kino again..returned books which ive neva even read@all..dats juz me oways so weird 1..i like 2 borrow lotsa books..n E books nid2ve nicenice attractive cover..n nid b new as well..plot is impt 2..anyways i oways borow w/o readin..i juz njoy E whole process of goin 2Lib, searchin 4nicenice books..im NUTS..haha..well dats a known fact..anyways..

Proceeded 2 Kino aft dat..
Was skimmin tru a book on Buddhist teachings n life philosophy..Juz then..heard sum1 commenting 2his fren,"Wo De Tou Nao Quan Bu Dou Shi Da Bian.." haha..i looked up n both of them revealed expressions of embarrassment cos they tot dat i looked up cos ive heard wat they said..NoooO..ok my point is..i looked up eyes big big glanced@ "Da Bian's fren" then head down THEN MY HEAD TILTED UP AGAIN..eyes bigbig Stared @ "Mr DaBian"!!cos cos..i act. bumped in2 him again!!He's a guy from NUS n i guess he majors in Sociology as well cos ive had 1tutorial as him when i was in Yr2..but we ve neva chatted..i din reali pay attention2him though..then tis last sem..i saw him in my Childhood lects..he's oways sittin alone rite@E back..he's oways hard@wk jotting dwn wateva stuff E lecturer said..there was once i saw him sitting on floor rite@back..cos all back seats taken up BUT lotsa vacant seats infront..He striked me as kind of a different species of guy.."He seems like a loner n is kind of weird..same as me.."

Not sayin dat tis guy has caught my attention..but E point is ive act. bumped in2 him as well previously afew times on MRT..when i was on way 2 Town as well..i tink he sort of noe dat im from NUS as well..tink he noes lah cos he has seen me b4 in lect haha but mayb he din even ve any impression of me..

ok back 2 Kino..he was juz standin opp me..our eyes met 4a short instant..i hopped on 2 another section shortly after..b4 i knew it he was standin beside me 2!!Then his fren came n they left..hmm..

On way home..i was wonderin wat would happen act. if i act. said Hi 2him n commented stuff like "Hey u from Nus as well rite.." Mayb i would then ve a chance 2noe him oready..Haiz..i let an easy opportunity slip past my hands again..Not dat ive a crush on him or wat..But..i donno..So many times of coincidences..DOes dat speak of sumtink..does dat even signify anytink..Is it Fate dat allows such coincidences 2happen..if dats E case shd i even take any action in response..(-.-)..

*Donno when i would bump in2 him again..if i reali bump in2him again..dats reali 2much of a coincidence..Spore is small yesh but 2bump in2sum1 u donno@all so many times in ya life means E 2 of you surely ve sum relations in your previous karma..
But oh well he may b attached..*

~* 慢慢的未知... *~

It's kinda hard 2find a job u like. 2 find a job in which i can b enclosed n immensed in my own world n space of creativity n tinkin..not dat i don like2socialize n interact..i do like interacting wif ppl..cos deres endless unpredictabilities n explorations arising from E interactional processes..gettin in contact wif ppl heightens my mood n spirit..mayb cos i fil engaged..mayb cos tru E interactions im sort of able 2 fil E 'crowd' ard me..i don fil detached..since im a self proclaimed n well known loner..Yet i like 2b alone 2..being alone is being close 2nature..my own definition..crappin again..

Went 4 1st round of Police Selection assessment yest..haha whole day of assessm of weight/height vision body coordinating abilities!gdness..dats not juz all loh..a total of 5rounds!stretch til mid sept..GOOD GOOD NESS..!!n u may face E possibility of droppin out @any of E rounds..haiz..Lays was sayin we gota hunt 4other jobs le..I ABSOLUTELY AGREE LOH..n yah E body/skin check..haha we act gota undress!n tis XinFu female officer would then C C check 4any skin diseases or wat lah..hoho da zuan dao men..n yah..sweaty palms is oso considered a physical illness..haiz..so paisehs now got ppl noe dat ive sweaty palms le.. (-.-)

i reali donno wat ive been up2..Guess its time 4me 2reali reflect..on myself..once stated in deleted blog entry dat "As long as i don stay committed 2any relationship (frenship sense) i would b happier.." i tink ive reali becum a 2independent 2detached loner til extent dat ive cum2realise dat ive focused 2much on E self..self n self..14th June..tis date has appeared in my mind b4 14th..i found it familiar..yet ive no idea why its familiar..i sms Her 2days later aft 14th then realise 14th was her birthday..cos she said ive 4gotten her bdae..i felt kinda guilty n remorseful..i can act 4get such dates..ur frens' bdae..sum1 whom uve known 4 so long 8yrs..i donno why..in past i would ve kept track of such special dates..yet..now..i din even bother 2pay attention 2such impt details..i donno why..is it cos my brain is 2fully occupied wif gettin settled dwn wif a job..speakin of june..tink Dad's bdae coming on 27th..

i start2ponder again again..im doubtin my suitability n capability of takin up E role of a FREN..of a DAUGHTER..Jie seems 2ve gone tru alot n yet im not aware of dat..i cant seem2do anytink 4her when she's dwn..

* Wat has happened 2me exactly..esp tis past few recent yrs..subconcious mind tells me ive changed..changed 2a person whom ppl cant seem2relate 2 n understand anym..cos im no longer E old usual me..i donno why..i kip wantin self attention..attention from others yet ve i eva paid any attention 2 tis others..m i 2self focused..*

Admired E sight of a mum holdin hands wif her daughter. Chanced upon 1 yest n then struck by a ponderance on dat..it'l b so gd if ive a child..it doesn't matter if ive a husband or not..A child can kip u company..a child can tk my loneliness away..a child can mk me fil attached again..

*No MedicinE can eva Save me now..im 2attached 2 MY WORLD..* Sum1 pls save me..

~*又是一個新的開始...*~

im back 2my bloggin again.. (*-*)

Why..?? I donno..everyday i juz will ve lotsa tots.. tots gained aft a day's trip outside..aft watching TV..etc..ive even bot a small small so called journal..tos kind of scrap book..in future when im out gaigai..wil b bringin it along..n its oways on bus whereby i'l wan pen dwn sum tots n reflections..it'l then serve a purpose..=D

A fren asked why i act deleted all my previous blog entries..n din even tell any1 ive deleted all my entries..accordin 2another fren of mine..im a kinda impulsive gaL..i do tinks on impulse i act on impulse..yesh..i agree..i was kinda down n depressed durin dat phase..i felt lost.i felt redundant. In a fit of despair?i decided 2juz delete every entry which seems juz so depressing as well..i told my fren:"If im eva gona start blogging again..my entries wil all b happy ones.." =)

Shall stop here le 4time being. Been online doin nonsensical stuff 4way 2long!supposed 2send out other applications 2day but men..hooked online. gosH!

*Anyways..Lays once said dat "E guy 1 will ultimately marry in Life won't b E 1 whom she has liked/loved E most.." * A tot provokin 1 2me @least..