~* 2nd ToTs Huh?? i Donno leh.. *~

checking out rainbow center's web page. sumhow. i donno. sumhow i would prefer a MOE teaching post. arrghh. i donno. im tired. juz wan zzzzZz for 1whole week. perhaps juz let me zzZZ til 2006 CNY ova then i wil wkup. if dat can happen it would b so great men i guess. i hate CNY. i wan escape it nxt yr. i donno if i can. even if i wan. cos sum tinks r juz not under ya own control even if u wan 2 b in control. i wan live alone. my own space. dats juz for now. in future mama papa wil stay wif me in my big big hse. i wil ve my big big car ferry them both ard n 2where eva they wan go. in fact now im oways in my own world of imagination imaging me sending dad 2 work n bro 2 sch. imagine myself 2b cool cool 1 in my car. my car interior wil b juz like a warm fuzzly little hse. i wil drive my parents 2town. we wil shop 2gether. they r reali ancient nice good ppl. they ve neva been 2 orchard b4. i would b loaded. i would brin them ovaseas. i would let them ve chance 2b on a plane. they ve neva been on a plane b4. i realise day by day dat ive actuali got lotsa of such dreams n wishes. dat i cant accomplish if i don set a specific time frame4such tinks 2b achieved. dat i cant accomplish if i donve a big bucks job. wateva.

*Yawns*

~* No DaYs 2 Look 4ward 2.. *~

Sumtimes E more u wan sumtink E more u cant get it..n i actuali fil scared abt tml's rainbow center interview. cos i cant afford lose it. cos its a rare chance. i don wan fall. i muz win. dats why E bit of pressure is there. but i belive in fate. everytink's so fated. if its meant 2b urs its urs. not meant 2b then 4get it. move on. juz b ur ownself tml gal. i pray hard i wun b late. oready decided tk cab there cos gona ve cdac tea session b4 dat n heard from jie 2day hers lasted 4 1.5hrs. n E candidates all kinda elite kind. so n so from mcys wk 4donno afew yrs liao blah blah. theres a QnA session. hate tis kind of tinky. waste time. lousy way 2assess candidate's suitability. so i don place high hopes on tis1. anyw they oso only nid 2. wif my experience?nay i doubt i can mk it.

tink all my footwear lousy. mk me fall omost everyday. fell on road @ shenton way n imagine all E countless pairs of eyes on u. laughing@ u. fell in a shop in front of 2salesgals summore. my fren saw as well. fell everywhere. leave my butt mark on ground everywhere i go.

Finally found companion watch HP wif me!!hooray!!=D but cum 2 tink of it ive neva watched a movie alone. mayb i shall try it 1day. shd b kinda nice.

*Yawns..* I miz u granddad.

~* A Weak HearT ... *~

I'm having a weak heart i tink..ok put it tis way..ive a rather bad premonition..my heart's getting weaker as days pass..not my imagination..though im oways imaging..(dat im oways inviting my mediacorp frens like vincent ng 2my hse..n my bro's mouth wil drop opened wif awesome envy hehehe..wo feng le..=P) oways ve terrible headache n sharp pain @back of head wheneva i wkup in morning in past..now E prob persists..n i oways tell myself aiya its cos of ya stupid laoya pillow lah..or mayb cos ive been staying up late omost every nite eyes glued 2TV til wee hrs..=P but anyways..yah..then i fil v lethargic everyday..doze off on mrt n bus fast..wkup feeling totali exhausted as if my whole soul has actuali left my body n did lotsa intense stuff b4 coming back 2my body..cos my whole body wil ache terribly n my whole head terribly wobbly heavy pain giddy aft i wkup from juz a short doze..2day..as i stepped on2 E escalator..all of a sudden everytink turned black instantly..4a moment i couldn't reali stand straight n i felt giddy..as if im gona fall n faint any moment..yet..in an instant..v quickly shortly aft dat..i regained composure..n everytink back 2normal..but i felt v tired..no strength..v weird..@tis instant when im typing tis..i suddenly tink abt spirits..ive been possessed??

...more...i cant seem 2 jog v well recently..as compared2past..my heart seems 2b failing..i can actuali fil my heart's efficiency slowing dwn..not pumping as much blood as b4..ive a feeling i may juz collapse 1day..but mayb cos i haven't been joggin dat often n regularly ba..only do it when i fil like it..mayb dats why not able perform 2optimum as compared2past bah..anyways told mama juz nw..as usual as she said me low blood pressure donve enuff blood loh..xue bu gou..yah..few yrs back doctor said ive extreme low blood pressure..mayb its even lower now hahaha..1day shd go4 whole body checkup ah..

A pretty long entry on heart huh haha. back 2 interviews. pretty sianz2tok abt it. vague impression anyw. ok dat customer relation 1. interviewed by a male. spoke 2me in english. pretty gd tru out. He seems rather nice. confirmed me onspot. then he brot me 2c another female. cos nid converse in chinese wif her. Damn. shit. haha. i noe my chinese cant mk it 1. i oso donno why i actuali ve a phobia of conversing in chinese now. anyw i guess my chinese conversation wif dat WOMAN was in a mess. she asked me abt my principles in life. Yuan Ze. i was like shit. asked me tis kind of tinky. i donno how 2crap in chinese loh. i only noe how 2reply in english. idoit her. anyways she said they wil call me back. haha. i don giv a darn anyw.

Then. dat elite marketin job. wat a bullshit as well. its exactly a knock on ppl's door beg them buy ya product kind of stuff. don mit target no pay. crazy. n i dislike dat director or wateva he is who interviewed me. looks like pervert. sound like pervert as well. eeeks. n dat cust serv exec. all bullshit. its actuali a great eastern personnel. i hate insurance ppl. anyw i did sum personality test as well. result: im sociable. haha. erm well well. lets juz say ive split personality yah. anyways jobs suitable4me: Nursing, teaching, tour guide, sales. yahh. so the me. exactly wat i like loh. Next: managerial posts. hmm..ok lah..ive tis bit of ambitious trait in me. wanting2mk it big. reputation. Followed by: artistic jobs. haha true true. i like arts. if its not becos my design skills lousy..i may ve gone on 2 Lasalle or NAFA..hmm..my path would b diff now if dats E case..(",)

He is utterly totali IRRITATING. i donwan my path 2b crossed wif his anymore again. i tot it shd b rather obvious dat i din reply. yet same msg oways cums. irritating. irritating. eeeeeekkkssss.

Got letter of confirmation for MOE interv yest. interv date SO THE LATE. but act cum2 tink of it. i actuali ve shudders when i tink abt teaching. i juz donve confidence in my own level of academic knowledge. other than dat..my ok level stil there..n chinese..oh men..i can juz die. but anyways..its not a must dat i muz die die get MOE employment.. but anyw they may not wan me as well loh..but then again..i simply cant tink of anytink else im interested in..yahh..

on way home 2day..image of "Zai Zai look alike" appears in my mind..actuali not juz 2day lah..its actuali everyday hehe..haha..keke..siao. no lah. juz dat once awile. E face wil juz seep in my mind suddenly. yah.. i was hoping 2bump in2 him again. well. if fate permits. if fate permits, then its reali fate. reali fate. n nxt time round if E fate is reali here, i do do do do hope u wil juz open ur mouth Miss Huiyi n say "Hi u from NUS rite?"hahahaha..jian. but then again. i donwan noe wat i donwan 2noe. else i would b superb disappointed. well...fate might not cum ultimately anyways. so why m i tinkin so much.

i love my yoga class. as usual dat skinny woman cant stretch hahaha..i tink im pickin on her. yah i am pickin on her. so wat.

kinda interested in tis volunteer tinky i chanced upon in media recently. shall tk action regarding it soon. *Yawns..* a long post again.

~* 5 and Goin... I Do Hope So!! *~

Yeps.. it's 5 and Goin haha.. got 5calls 2day 4interviews..!!juz Mon n ive had 5interviews scheduled 4tis wk liao..4more wkdays 2go..i do hope there's more calls coming 4more interviews scheduled..hehe..=P
ive had a feelin dat im kind of addicted to tis "attending interviews" process liao..it's reali considered a so called eye opener in interviews..u got 2 c learn n experience even when u go 4interviews..
ok let me c..1st 5 interviews lined up: (1) Tml=customer relations officer 4 donno wat company haha
(2) Wed=customer serv executive 4donno wat company
(3) Friday=ermm..dat person told me ive applied 4tis post in sept..nw then call me..i donno wat post..i tink its..biz developm exec..or marketing exec?
(4) Sat=i kinda like tis 2posts ive applied4.. CDAC volunteer serv exec..then teacher 4special nids children 4 Rainbow Center..finally shortlisted aft so long..CDAC's is a tea session..kinda interesting..c..not all interviews r tos 4mal kind..
hmm..realise there's many donno above haha..no worries..i wil do sum research 1 no matter why..n crap accordingly..according 2situation n circumstance hehe..i sound abit haolian..let me continue haolian abit..most of time i go 4interviews wif confidence..if interview atmosphere kinda nice n interviewer nice nice my confidence level soars even higher n i crap n crap eve more..hehe..=P

yah Eric..i noe teaching's not easy..its tough..in fact i went 4 a tutorial center casual interview n haha i ended up chatting wif E interviewer..abt life..n kids..i poured my sorrows 2her haha dat im in dilemma abt wat i reali wan..haha funny..she has asked me lotsa questn which ive neva pondered b4..abt teaching n kids..mk me reali reflect abt my initial assumed "passion" 4teaching..she said im a bubbly n cheerful gal..i look like haha..every1 has said dat 2me..but she oso said im soft..soft spoken..so i would nid do more if i wana control a class of rowdy pupils..wateva it is ive oready applied 4MOE but meantime i wil b opened 2other job options as well..=D Liking kids is 1tink..but liking kids n teaching is diff..well dats wat she said..n i kinda agree act..i love kids..but whether i can teach..i actuali doubt my ability2teach..aft tutoring 4so long..i noe myself n capability..im confident by end year i would b able 2land a job..im confident..but whether its a job of my interest not..i cant b sure..

went swimming wif jie on sat..or rather she swam..i soak in water..since i don reali noe how 2swim loh..then there were so many ppl in pool..i felt paisehs..anyw then there's tis kids class goin on..oh men b4 they even started their swim class we mingled ard wif sum of the cute CUTE CUTE kids in e pool..their coach was late loh..mk them wait 4him 4 omost half an hr!!anyw..got 2 noe tis 3kids..timothy..jeremy n donno who haha..yah i reali like cute boys lots!!haha anyw aft we ve bathed gona leave we met timothy n his mum? in E shower rm..haha then me n jie animously said "BYE TIMOTHY" 2dat boy..haha he gana shocked..then i ovaheard him askin his mum "How did they noe my name?" haha well well timothy cos Miss Huiyi is ard leh..got Huiyi hoh..no cute boys can get out of her hands hahaha..si bian tai..i refer 2 tos kindergarten lower pri cute boys hoh..i only like kids im not dat hua chi..haha beta not yue miao yue hei..=P

tml yoga class again..=D gona end soon..december approaching..speaking of yoga there's tis skinny woman in my class..cant even stretch..ok i cant stand it when ppl cant stretch their body..okok i cant say im totali flexible lah..though i m..ermm oh no! i realise my blog's so haolian sounding loh haha..okok wat im tryin say is dat i cant stand it when tos skinny women oready so skinny yet stil wan diet diet n diet!i cant stand it when relatives n ppl said im thin then they wil ask if i diet..NONONONONO!!don eva ask me dat or i wil juz slap u. i eat normal meals ok. oh but jie im not referrin 2u haha cos juz rememb u oso asked me on sat wat i eat n why im slim. actuali i juz noe how 2conceal my flaws i tink. i don tink im slim. but im ok wif wat i m. i cant stand it when ppl don eat!!when ppl diet!!!i cant stand it!!!
okok back 2yoga. i love yoga. i love 2stretch. i wan stretch even further. i wil definitely go on 2 intermediate stage..fil like takin up pilates as well. well other than crappin i guess tis is my only talent bah haha..hmm..hummphh..oh yah then hoh got tis uncle in my class who gives me E feelin dat he wana show off his ability 2 stretch loh..yalah i oso kind of show off in class as well lah but hoh..aiya..i don fil gd when ppl r able 2 surpass me..in areas im gd @..i don fil gd n i wil wan surpass them even more..

mama's bdae 2day. wil get her a hp once ive found a job. my papa mama ancient ppl. no hp. they r v thrifty. sumtink which i shd learn more from them.

gona watch tv again..tv addict...i tink he's kinda irritating. sum tinks ova means ova. why cant he get it. n who hurt me in E 1st place. n there's oready so many gals ard u rite.there's no turning back. once im hurt im hurt. no turning back of clock. n i dislike guys who ve lotsa female frens.

there's tis famous director who said dat my husband Jin Cheng Wu aka takeshi kaneshiro is reali a mysterious guy who hates coming out 2 E public n show his face..he spends omost all of his time hiding @ home doing his own stuff other than shooting..he said hes not suitable 4tis entertainment scene..bish..speaking of takeshi..i tot i saw takeshi dat day loh..my heart skipped a beat when i saw him..haha a close resemblance loh.

i kinda like our conversation on sat. wif jie. regarding individual n society. how individ influenced by society. E mass in soc vs. minority. E power of E mass. power of E minority as well. rules n regulations in soc. w/o which there would b chaos... nice conversation. i like tis kind of in-depth conversations. IM not juz a crappy shallow no substance 1 ok.

~* Im LearninG 2 STeP ouT!! LearninG 2mk 1st steP ouT!! *~

*Yeahh..im back again..ive mk my 1st move. 1st step. 1st decision. aft long long procrastination. yeah procrastination is kinda bad u noe. it delays everytink.*

juz did tis personality test in my cleo mag. haha. donno accurate not loh. 1moment say im introvert. 1moment say im extrovert. haha. ive split personality. which ive realised long time ago myself n tru frens' mouths. woo hoo so its confirmed now.

ok. 2 Lays. *winks winks* why i ran away halfway 4dat therapist orientation..hmm i guess i cant reali tell u why..E exact reason..i guess its cos of environmental influence plus my emotional impulse..i wasn't comfortable wif E way they put us candidates 2 test..Each of us gota tk turns 2 mk use of E toys there 2interact wif E kid..in front of E ang moh boss n other candidates..u gota b u noe dat kind of loud..loud expression n reaction..u gota b a fun 1..im 2 soft spoken i guess i couldn't mit up 2dat..anyways i oso din noe how 2describe..its like u noe..if u don like it in 1st place be it environment or wat u wun fil comfortable n u wun fil fitted in..u wil juz noe it rite if u don like it..i left halfway. i noe i would only b forcing myself 2stay if i ve stayed n i wun perform well anyways under dat circumstance. so yah haha.

Anyways heard from Fren dat a fren fils like quitting her current therapist job cos from start of work til now..i guess few mths le ba..she has been doin juz admin work..mostly admin stuff if i din rememb wrongly..anyways cos hers is a newly established company..clients not in yet..hmm..thus cant reali do much of therapeutic stuff bah..hmm..

I agreed wif Jie. Lotsa jobs out there 4us. it ain't tough 2 land urself in a job i guess. it all lies wif whether u wan it or not. ur interest level. dats reali reali impt.

anyways. yah. ive sent application 4 MOE teaching. finali. ive finali mk my 1st step out in getting sumtink done!!haha. n yah. ive decided 2reject (yet again!!)another job offer. as sales exec @parkmall 4tis established high end furniture design company. which i tink commission gona b real high since their sofa alone costs $8000+!!haha. anyways. im juz a simple gal. not highly ambitious. juz wan ve a simple job i like wif reasonable pay. cant b 2 extrovert a job since im oso introvert @heart as well haha. complicated huh. of course i tend 2compare myself most of times wif others n ppl ard me. like my big wife who wans 2 n am eager 2earn big bucks n money. i may tend 2 compare my future fixed pay wif her flexible big bucks pay. but hey i guess. being comfortable wif wateva ya doin stil accounts 4major share bah. m i makin any sense?i guess so bah haha. tired liao anyways.

okies..i hope everytink wil b settled by december..*Good LucksS* 2me. 2my loved frens. haha went bk nus n vernice said i look like sec sch kid. hmm. yah im stil young. i can afford 2 mk choices n mistakes. accumulate experience n learn from mistakes. i like wat RX said. *U gota mk E 1st step. Else u neva noe wat u wan n m gd in.* 1st step. 1st step lingers in my mind. it kinds of enlighten me. it kinds of put a slap in my face. Hey wake up GaL!!haha. yah.

Wateva it is. its oways a pity n pain n waste 2reject sumtink good dat cumz 2ya doorstep. but well alas. dats life. full of choices. full of opportunity costs blah blah. LifE.

*realised its my mistake. shdn't ve picked fault @ bro. Sori. Din mean it.*
Nites. Hope my life gets organised soon soon soon. b4 coming of 2006..!!

~* Stupid Dumb *~

Picture1

Picture 2

Picture 3

i tink i would fil so agitated cos ive regretted my actions. i shdn't ve msged so fast. im oways like dat. so impulsive. din tink of beta alternatives. din consider other circumstances dat ve act. led 2 sum tinks dat ve happened. arrghh. wateva. wats done been done. im nuts. im nuts. mentally unstable. emotionally unstable. wateva. i wan zzz 4eva n eva n eva evaaaaa.

arrghh let me divert now. tok abt happier stuff.
1 more new wife. 1more new husband. who manage 2 catch my eye. hehe. Check out E pics ive included here men!!=P

1st pic: Cutey Cutey 鄭元暢!!
2nd pic: i tink ive tis tink 4 comic-like guys. 鄭元暢sumtink abt him. filled wif meng huan kind of feeling. meng huan. i like meng huan. imaginative. stil not E word.nvm. Meng Huan. MenG HuaN gui MenG Huan loh. Da Shi 理想情人 ma?
3rd pic: She's E 1. 杨丞琳.Cute sweety pretty lass. Smart. Mature though young. v frank n straight4ward. real.

*Yawnss* not enuff zzz. Throbbing sharp pain in head every day. now pain throbbing pain as well. yet i stil wana stay up watch tv til wee hrs. who cares. esp sat. tv marathon all E way til 3am. hooked on tis taiwan drama on ballet n dreams n romance of course haha. E brother has oways liked E sis. of course they r not biological related. i esp adore E way E bro likes E sis. E feeling as exuded in E show. cannot b described. only i myself noe. as usual. tok 2myself. no1 noes anyw wat im tokin abt. who i reali m.

idoit me idoit me. shdn't ve msg. purposely pick fight. now replied crap. A COLD FIGHT HAS BEGUN AGAIN. or rather a cold war. or rather. E coldness has oways been there. its oready cold enuff 2 dissolve E start of a warm war. cos it wil oways b cold. there wil oways b no warmth here in tis family. i mean warmth of unity of 4. 4. i wan 4. not juz 3. not juz 2. tears finali ve dropped. or is it cos im 2 sleepy. eyes 2tired. goin blind soon. not gd.

ALL tos who ve hurt me. u may not ve known it. i noe it. even in small ways. i remember. Scary?nay. im not a psycho. i wil juz delete u from my memory. but well i stil prefer 2b alone. im stil a self claimed loner. so i wun hurt u. Back.

NitesS.

~* Suppress n Repress. suppress n repress.*~

~* Supress n repress. Then supress n repress again. I would turn nuts soon. When can i eva release everytink. I can't seem 2 control my emotions recently. It seems 2 b back again. Who m i. A simple gal who juz nids real n sincere care n concern? A simple gal who yearns 4 simple happiness? One who yearns 4 a mixture of simplicity n (yet) a certain level of fame n glory? *~

Shucks. Irritating me. Donno wat E hell im typing 2nite. Suddenly fil so so frustrated cos juz msg him not 2 mess up my com. It's actuali juz a small matter. Juz cos of a moment's inability2 solve sum minor prob i got irritated n msg him not 2 eva mess up my com. but i juz wan everytink2b in place u noe. i simply ve difficulty remembering any password n stuff n if u juz change tis dat i would go nuts u noe. summore im an emotional n mentally unstable person. arrghh. i noe i seldom go frenster. or rather v v seldom. or neva? wateva. if i do visit i don wan c other profile in my com. Tis is my com ok ok ok ok ok ok. i noe im goin nuts. im a mad 1. im oready nuts. don say im selfish. let me repress once awile. i cant juz supress all E time. i fil like cryin now. yet no tears. no tears. u take 4granted i would giv u a bdae gift iszit. iszit. iszit. iszit. R u dumb. cant even say a thank you. or im E dumb 1. bot it happily 4u. tot would ve a happy ending. wat did u get in E end. wat wat wat. Disappointment. Again again again. don u tink u r v stupid Huiyi. u did so much. or rather u presume u ve done so much. 4them?4him. worth it?did he even appreciate ur efforts?neva. neva neva. yah yah shd't b calculative. wat E hell. when im nuts i dig out wateva suppressed grudges ive had against u n all others.

idoitic 1s. all of u. raise my hopes. throw them down. mk me fil im loved. yet mk me fil like im a dumb fool.

i hate 2 b neglected. im stil eva so possessive. ive learnt 2 let go. yet when i turn nuts again it simply hits me again2ve a strong want2 hold on 2 everytink w/o letting go. stubborn u Huiyi. WOuld u eva b happy like dat if u kip behavin like dat. insincerity. don care abt me lah. go care 4ya frens lah. since they r so much beta rite. go lah.

Pigs. All pigs. Idoit.